Who Knew I'd Be The "Lucky" One...

Captains tell their Crew, before charting the Unknown..."Full Steam Ahead"...They check their Navigational Systems, Weather Reports, and Estimate the time of Arrival to reach their intended "Destination"...That's what I, and many Breast Cancer Survivors attempt to do once treatment is over...We begin to put the pieces of our lives back together (chart a destination), Join a Gym (get our "bodies" navigational system back in order), and in my case...Read a Book...For the "sheer" pleasure of it. Nothing with the words, "Chemo", "Radiation", "Mastectomy",...Or "Cancer" in it....Wouldn't it be nice if we could "fold" this experience into "itsy bitsy" pieces-and tuck them away somewhere...Anywhere...NEVER to be seen, or heard from again...

Anyone with  a Cancer diagnosis, will tell you it's NEVER completely over, even after treatment. So, unlike a ship's Captain (who estimates when they will reach their intended destination), our "intended" destination( good health)-can't be "charted"...It's really only "partially"  up to us. I've changed my diet (I eat organic, and natural products), I "walk", and take the stairs, instead of taking the elevators, or Public transportation. I take all my meds, don't miss any Doctor's appointments...But, with all that, there are still no "guarantees". My daughter's college roommate(a lawyer now!), her Mom, received her Breast Cancer diagnosis, a year or so before I did. She lost her battle last year...Who knew, I would be the "Lucky" One? My daughter has a friend she attended Elementary School with-diagnosed in her 20's-died a month later...(His grace, and mercy ALONE has brought me through! ).I just lost a friend this morning, Elsie...Diagnosed with Cancer, just three weeks ago... My Mom use to "always" say..."Only by His grace, go I"...With ALL the advances the Medical Community has made in the treatment of Breast Cancer-there's still no "formula"...No "guarantee" of who will/will not lose their battle to this disease. I guess you can say , thus far... "I'm STILL  the Lucky One"...I'm  HERE...To LIVE and FIGHT another day...What does that American Cancer Society commercial say?- " When I needed a ride-You were there... When my hair fell out, and I wanted to look like myself-You were there".It ends with,"Im here, because you were there." And, for as long as He says...I'm here...In Memory of those who aren't...That's why I've been "charged" to make the "journey" better, for all those who will "travel" after me. May the words of my mouth, through this (Blog)...And, meditations from my Heart...Be acceptable in Your sight...Until next time...

Just One Of The Girls...

A group of us were out Friday Night, for a Birthday Celebration. We were at this new Sushi Restaurant that opened this summer in River North.Union Sushi...yum! We were drinking, (Yes...I'm "back" in the saddle again!TGFT!thankgodforthat!) eating...the conversations were flowing...The restaurant was crowded. And, the music was just the right mix of ,"Let's get up... get down, and get funky!haha!" THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...I stood up...and Danced! Mind you-there's NO dance floor. We were seated upstairs...Nice "comfy" couches. One of the ladies decided to get up, and join me...The more the merrier I say! Besides...Who wants to dance alone? I just kept on dancing....Whenever the mood (or was it the sake margarita's?) so inclined me. I did an Interpretive Dance with a spoon and, fork (imagine that, and NO classical training!).You had to be there,haha! The group even composed a song on the spot to accompany me! The lyrics were...Spoon and fork....Spoon and-you get the picture! I did the Swim...I even did that "cool" Batman dance that Adam West used to do on the original Batman Series...You know the one...He would put both hands up-and slide them across his face...I moved up, and down...Side to side...Remember...Shake it (I did!). Don't Break It (I didn't!). I haven't felt that FREE ...(Woman, thou art loosed!)  in "quite" some time! I'm one of the few African American women, along with Oprah (at least that's what she says...) that is "rhythmically challenged"! So, in the past, I always felt so self-conscious about my moves. But, tonight...I was...Tonya,"Queen of the Dance Floor"!. I wasn't Ssshhh! You know she's battling, Breast Cancer...I fought my way back, to earn my place again...I'm just "one" of the girls!...As the evening progressed,(and, the drinks continued to flow!) "everyone" would get up, and dance right along with me. We were having a GREAT time-so why not? No one questioned why I kept dancing...Had they asked-I would have been "happy" to oblige. I'm dancing because I feel HAPPY...I'm dancing because I feel FREE...I'm dancing because once again...I'm just ONE of the girls... Not "the" girl with Breast Cancer...Anyone want to form a Soul Train Line with me?...Until next time...This is Tonya Hackney wishing you...LOVE... PEACE...And SOOOUUULLL!

The Ties That Bind...

Growing up you're taught the importance of family. I remember hearing on too many occassions..."Watch out for your sisters, and brothers." There are five of us, Of which, I'm the oldest. All my fondest memories from childhood, were  of us playing "piggy" in our backyard, skating, and sledding down ," Big Hill Park". And, "sneaking" into the Park District Swimming pool, "after hours". There were other families in the neighborhood that we played with, but it was "always" family first. We would even "ditch" (now that's dating myself!) our regular group of friends when our cousins visited. We'd say to them, "We don't have to/want to/play with you, our cousins are here!" Family first...

Most of us spend our lives either, blessing or cursing the family we were born into. Many of us, throughout our lifetimes do a "little" bit of both. We love them because we are from "one" seed...Love for them is without question. In 2009, I gained "entry", membership into "another" family. We're not "strung" together by DNA. The common thread we share...We have all been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. And, our numbers keep growing....In my "new" family the membership includes women who are African-American...Hispanic...Asian...Polish...Jewish.... We are Rich...Poor...Literate, and illiterate. We work in "Corporate " America...as well as CLEAN the toilets in those same buildings. We celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah...Some of us don't "celebrate" any holidays at all. But, what we do have in common...We share this Breast Cancer Odyssey....These are the ties that BIND, my new family... I was feeling "restless" on this particular day. So, I decided to go Downtown, and do some window shopping...sight seeing. I chose to take the "scenic" route, and took a bus that traveled along North Michigan Avenue. I was "pretty" in pink. Had on a t-shirt, pin, and bracelet.I always wear something...As a reminder.Just like many dates in history...This is one I won't soon forget! A woman approached me on the bus, she had to be 60 to 70 years old, and of Jewish descent. She, said to me, "Nice you support the cause." I told her, "I do more than just support the cause, I'm being treated for Breast Cancer." With that she began to tell me "all" about what went right/ what went "wrong" with her treatment. That her son is a Doctor, and she could "afford" the best the "Medical Community" had to offer. And, yet we STILL shared the same struggles...We talked for over an hour. Race, Religion, Politics...None of this mattered. Here were two women, who otherwise, would have passed each other on the street- Without "uttering" a word to each other...But, this thread...This "single" experience we shared-"binds" us like "sisters" in our new "adopted" family. Unlike, the family we're "born" into-we're not "required" to put "family first". But-I've "yet" to meet one of my new family members, that didn't "stop" to share...Stop to talk, about their individual journeys-in hopes of improving yours. Two Families...One mission...Family First...These are the ties that bind...Until next time...

A New Normal...

When I speak to other Breast Cancer Survivors, there's this "universal" understanding when we ask each other..." How do you feel?" We take a deep breath, and sigh....I believe because in THAT instance we realize how far we've come in our journey. That what's ahead...Is more promising than what we just left BEHIND. That the "worst" is over...Smokie Norful said it best in his song, "Dear God"..." There were days I wanted to quit...I said "surely" this is it...But, I held on....Give that song a listen from his lastest CD, entitled, "Smokie Norful Live"...It's enriched my life in so MANY ways, on so MANY levels...So, we Breast Cancer survivors frame the answer to that question very carefully...We usually begin with..."Oh, well...I don't want to complain"...If you're speaking to another survivor when you answer that question...That "statement"  alone speaks volumes....

There ARE some adjustments I've had to make. But, such is life...I'm no longer able to "multi-task" like I used to. My "energy" is such a PRICELESS commodity now, that I give LOTS of thought to how I will use it each day. There are 45 steps up to where I live. (Yes, I've counted them!) My steps have caused "mere" mortals to break out in tears from the climb to my door. I tried to "always" have a pitcher of their favorite libation waiting for them...to "undo" the damage that, that very climb had caused to their "psyche". During Chemo, there was a chair "generously" placed on each floor of my building. My body appreciated it! So, many times it would say to me, "I don't know what you are trying to do to us, between the "stuff" you're allowing them to put in, and these stairs"...So, BELIEVE me those chairs, my "rest stops" were a Godsend! Now with ALL that behind me...I still "tire" easily...At least it's not as much as before...That's not a complaint...Just an acknowledgement...That... I have a "new" normal I've had to adjust to. As Breast Cancer survivors, I think we feel a "heightened" sense of what's REALLY noteworthy enough to place in the "Complaint Box." You just learn to put things in perspective. Before, as usual, with us "girls" a "chipped" nail, a hair "out" of place...Would have been enough for me to feel as if the "gods" were against me!...Ha, ha!...Let's be HONEST now! Now...UNLESS I have to call 911...ANYTHING short of that, isn't worth complaining about! I always use to upon waking...."Thank the Lord" for THIS day...I still do...But, the emotion behind it now...Well, let's just say...For what He's done...For what He's brought me through, "Thank You" seems SO terribly insufficient! It barely scrapes the surface of my gratitude...My friends and family have "adapted" to my "new" normal...They walk at a slower pace when they're with me. And, stay close by. They volunteer to carry "heavy" bags for me, and get down right angry (especially my daughter!) when I say...It's okay, I've got it!" Getting up, after sitting is challenging to say the least. I take an "estrogen suppressant" Anastrozole, which "locks" my joints, as tight as a bank vault! Not a complaint...Just a fact!  I "FREAKED" out when my Oncologist informed me, I had to take an estrogen suppressant. I thought, "Oh Boy-Now I'm going to have "facial" hair? No, I since learned-it doesn't "take away" what's already there, it just "stops" the production of additional estrogen-which can lead to a return "engagement" of the disease.So, NO facial hair-Whew! A "heads up" to those of you who have a friend or family member with Breast Cancer...Yes, her hair is back...And, the light in her eyes she lost during Chemo-Yes, it has returned! But, PLEASE take into account "looks" in this instance, are QUITE deceiving! Understand, and adapt yourself to her limitations. We "don't" complain...It would just seem ungrateful! But, understand...She has a "new" normal-so, give her a "pass" sometimes for me-will you?...Until next time...

Just What The Doctor Ordered...

My mom died, just two years "shy" of my Breast Cancer diagnosis. My Mom was QUITE a woman! My parents had been married for "years" before God "called" her Home to Glory...The two of them were quite a team. My Mom played "Straight Man" to my Dad's "comedic repertoire"! Richard Pryor... "Beware"! So, when I received my diagnosis, my Dad took on a dual role. Becoming both Mother and Father to me. For those of you who don't know my Dad, who is ALWAYS joking around...Expecting him to be serious...Well, let's just say- I thought the prospect of that happening, was SLIM and NONE!

He surprised me! You know you're never too old! When I needed Richard Pryor...He was MORE than willing to oblige! He would say things like..."Girl, don't no man care if you got titt---! You STILL have a vagina, don't you?" Yes, my silver haired, AARP Card carrying father, would say things like that to me! It made me laugh...which was a "welcome" switch from ALL the tears I constantly shed! (Disclaimer: For those of you that are easily "offended"-I apologize!) Ha,ha! But, I WARNED you! I said he thought he was Richard Pryor! My Dad became "just" what the Doctor ordered! My Mom, and I could talk about anything. Nothing was "off limits" once I became an adult. So, my Dad was stuck with discussing topics like, "Chemo and Menopause", "Dating After Breast Cancer", and I know he HAD to love me to sit through MULTIPLE variations of..."Dad, do you think anyone can tell this is a prosthesis"? "Should I wear it or not"? He NEVER disappointed me! He would just let Richard out, and say Fu-- them if they do! " You can't help that this thing happened to you, Baby"! He was loving when I needed to be "held". He said the most thoughtful  things to me! But, most of all, when "Richard" showed up-He ALWAYS "cracked" me up! He mastered "quite" the juggling act for me...Everytime I looked up- He was there! At Doctor's appointments...Before and after EVERY Surgery...Coming by my house- to "check up" on me. The memory of it...Well, it makes me smile....I NEVER had to ask...He was "always" there! He was just what the Doctor ordered...I MISSED my Mom terribly! I "cried" out to her TOO many times to mention! I don't care how OLD you are...When you are SICK...you want your Mother! But, I must admit...I'm GRATEFUL she didn't have to see me like that...I BELIEVE all things ARE in DIVINE Order. My Mom was "cheering" me on from Heaven. Even occasionally whispering in my Dad's ear... I can hear her telling him..."Jimmie, Be WHAT SHE NEEDS! Our oldest "baby" is suffering...But, God told me...Everything is going to be alright"! ...I got "choked" up, with just the thought of my Mom saying those words...He was...And, to THIS day, continues to be...Just what the Doctor ordered...Until next time...

Superwoman...

...I am Superwoman, Yes I am, Yes she is...I woke up today with that song in my head. Alicia Keys, right? Never mind who sings it...The words are in my head now! With this Breast Cancer business, I'm so emotional! Somedays I'm up, sometimes down. Today? I'll let you guess! But, I'll give you a clue..Don't you know that.. I... am... Superwoman! Yesterday was Tuesday, so like every Tuesday I was at my Plastic Surgeon's Office. My youngest sister, Nannette, came with me, so we're in the Exam Room, I have on one of those paper gowns (Fashionista, right?) and, I'm "holding" it closed. I guess I was "hiding" my breasts (or what would become breasts!) from my sister. When we left the office, she mentioned that I was "holding" that gown shut, like my life depended on it! I thought about it...

I've OVERCOME Breast Cancer! During Chemo I had only "3" good days a month, for the seven months I received my treatment. When I say, "Good days", I mean just that...Good days! During Chemo you lower the bar somewhat, so if I was able to get out of bed, without first notifying my body for the next, say... 10-15 minutes that's what I wanted to do. If I didn't, feel like my head was going to "explode" from impact, from the "migraines" the Zofran was giving me, and my personal favorite...If I could actually walk without assistance to the bathroom, which was a "mere" few feet from my bed...Then that-Ladies and Gentlemen... was a "Good Day"! I would receive my Chemo on a Thursday. It took mine between 4 to 6 hours to administer. I would feel "okay" afterwards. On Friday, my other sister Stephanie, would usually take me out for some "fresh" air. (My bedroom became the ONLY room I stayed in. It became my base of operations!) And, on that day, Friday, I would still feel ,"ok". But by that Saturday-Forget about it! I was on my as- from that Saturday, until the Monday before I would receive my next treatment. I received one round of Chemo every three weeks (If my levels allowed it, and believe me they didn't!) so...You play this "waiting" game. The Oncologist won't let the Nurse administer the Chemo you need until your levels were  high enough again to withstand the Chemo, that would DROP my levels AGAIN to an unsafe level, and so on, and so on.... So, the other TWENTY SEVEN days of the month-Let's just say...It's great I had SO much support...Because I REALLY needed it! But, I've OVERCOME that adversity. I've WON that round with Chemo. I've made it through! I told you...I am Superwoman, yes I am...Yes, she is! For those of you keeping score-Tonya 1 vs. Cancer 0!

When you have Breast Cancer, you're "always" trying to protect (Or maybe that was just me...) the people you love. My daughter was that person. I made "grand" attempts to shield her from it. How does that saying go..."The best laid plans of mice, and men?...Well, anyway! She was in Culinary School at the time, I remember the day, Nannette and I drove to school to pick her up once I had my results. I was "okay" by that time. My sisters had already taken me to Harold's Chicken Shack (My one weakness-fried chicken!), allowed me to "cry" in it, for the  remainder of the time that we/ no they ate theirs. So, like I said..By the time I had to tell my daughter, I was "A okay"! wink..wink...I looked in her eyes, and told her...But, I could tell she "knew" what I was going to say. Then I said..."It's going to be okay, we can get through this"! Oh, and by the way...You're NOT quitting School! (She was already halfway through!) I reminded her, that between my Dad, her Aunts, I would have MORE then enough help while she was in class. With this Breast Cancer Business, for me, the HARDEST part of it-I'll let you take a stab at it! CHEMO? RADIATION? Lost of my independence ? Close...But, no! It was "pasting" on a smile, Holding back my tears, JUST long enough...For my daughter to leave for school! It's ALWAYS been just the two of us....(Single mothers, hear me roar!)...Just the "two" of us...Remember that Bill Withers song?...We can make it if we try, Just the two of us...(Here comes the chorus-Just the two of us)...You and I..Okay! Back to the business at hand! So, I know she was "horrified" with this diagnosis. I had ALWAYS been, who she could come to, with WHATEVER. She even wrote an essay in Freshmen English in High School..."My Mother, My Hero"( You know I STILL have it!)...I told you! Superwoman! Now with that in mind-I had to put up a good front (sometimes I won, well sometimes, you know!) before she left for school. I didn't want her to be distracted. (I was REALLY miles away from the Reality thing, huh?) But, when she left...OPEN THE FLOODGATES!!! My tears could have given a tsunami a run for it....When I was sick enough, and I knew I needed to haul as- to the Emergency Room, if she was in school, this is what I'd do. I would send her a text, "Don't worry, I'm on my way to the ER...Your aunts are with me." She said she would see that text...And wonder how I could expect her NOT to worry. Oh, now here's the "clincher". I would end the text with, "You can come AFTER class." And, she would. I can laugh about it today...Remember this IS a process (There's that word again!) And, also because I've made it to the "other" side of Breast Cancer. At least that's how I feel today...Well, with ALL that in mind...The next time my sister accompanies me to the Plastic Surgeon...I'm going to FLASH my "boobies"! I have NOTHING to feel self-conscious about! I've been through HELL and BACK...!And, LIVED to tell the story...Don't you know that... I ...AM ...SUPERWOMAN!!! YES, I AM...YES, SHE IS! Until next time...

TRAILBLAZING....

When you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer, you get "bombarded"  with SO MUCH literature. I'm an avid reader, so I thought I could approach all the reading material I was given from that perspective. I would begin reading about the various types of treatments, their possible side effects, and all the things that were ahead of me. So, you can imagine between hyperventilating, multiple "panic" attacks, and rolling around on the floor like a mad woman-I had to come up with a better plan! My new approach-Read ONLY enough to inform me of what I had to deal with in the HERE and NOW! Time for Surgery? I ONLY read about that particular Surgery, and what I needed to do to physically, and emotionally prepare myself for it. This was all NEW terrain, new territory that I've been CHOSEN (not punished!) to "BLAZE"! I was a novice-I felt a little like Columbus must have experienced when he "discovered" America. I didn't know it at the time, but I was "paving" the way...Leaving stones on a Trail, that two very "dear" friends would soon follow...

Most people don't know this...Statistics aren't their "cup" of tea. But, I've learned (Baby...I've learned...Borrowed that line from The Spinners!) that ONE out of every EIGHT women gets diagnosed with Breast Cancer. YES, it occurs frequently in families where a Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, and Sister have been diagnosed with the disease. That "BRAC1" and, "BRAC2" Gene that we hear so much about "ups" the "ante" as well. But, women, such as myself, who have NO pre-disposition to this disease, NO family history, NO BRAC Gene , are being diagnosed with this disease at a surprisingly ALARMINGLY rate. So, not to get up on my pulpit, BUT....MAMMOGRAMS DO SAVE LIVES! It saved mine...Now, I see you out there, you've heard it all before (yeah,yeah...)-but let me put a FACE to this, MINE, to drive home this point! EARLY DETECTION SAVES LIVES!...Read my lips...It SAVED mine...Really!

A memory that's stayed with me from the moment I was diagnosed, is of two women I met that day. For all intent, and purposes, let's call them Diva A, and Diva B. I  was on my way to the Exam Room, to discuss my Biopsy results, with my Doctor. I was CLEARLY scared out of my wits, but I brought along my father, and both sisters with me for the "Big Day." The BIG reveal. Did I or didn't I ? Only the Pathologist knows for sure...Diva A, left out of the Exam Room, the same time I was headed back there. Her face was "drenched" with tears. So, I thought...Oh, boy! This isn't going to be good for me either! Call it an omen, but when you are about to get results that CAN alter the course of your life-seeing someone come out in tears, didn't INCREASE my optimism! While inside, I kept hearing the Doctor pace, back and forth, in front of my room-I can just imagine that telling a woman she has Breast Cancer is no "picnic" for them either. Well, back to Diva A...Funny thing...I NEVER saw Diva A again. I received, and continue to receive my treatment where I was diagnosed. HAD she sought treatment, I would have seen her again. The Breast Cancer Diva's at Mercy Hospital are a "close" knit group! And therein lies the problem...We don't seek the treatment we need. Or even feel we deserve. I often hear women say..."Jesus, is gonna' work this out for me"! There's a song that says the same. It's what we've been taught. But, for me, "Jesus" is a verb-an ACTION word, not a noun! Jesus WILL work it out... He did! But, not while I  remained standing still! He worked it out, through my Surgeons, Doctors, Radiologist, Oncologist, And, the "amazing" Nurses in OIS (Helen, Nicole, Sue, Lor- angels, everyone!). I know, I just slipped in some more cancer terminology (OIS=Outpatient Infusion Services) Where the rubber hits the metal! Really, it's where they administer the Chemotherapy. So move! Keep those appointments! Don't get discouraged! Do like I did...Put one foot in front of the other...People ALWAYS said to me,"How STRONG you are, Tonya"!...PLEASE! It was just like I said... I just kept putting ONE foot in front of the other, until the biggest hurdles were overcome, Imagine that? Now on to Diva B (Bet you thought I forgot about her!) Diva B, was a young woman, barely pushing 30, with two small children. She "finally" agreed to start treatment-so, I was EXTREMELY hopeful! Although, after just one round of "Chemo"(Trust me, Chemo is a bad..mother, shut yo' mouth!)-and her subsequent hospitalization from it, she refused any further treatment. She found fault, with everything, and even questioned the validity of the test results. Fear can do that to you. I called her, came to visit her, and eventually she "stopped" taking my calls. I pray that Diva B "remembered" Jesus is a verb...I prayed each, and everyday that she took action...Somewhere...I told you the tale of these two women because I want EVERY women within the sound of my voice...this printed word/this Blog, that I've chosen to embark on, to know...There are "Trailblazers" all around you, if you need them...Just "wave" a Pink flag...The two dear friends I discussed earlier, the two I didn"t know I was "Blazing" a trail for? They waved the flag, and I answered the call! They will each respectively be celebrating their 1st Birthdays...Cancer Free-very soon! See? Jesus DID work it out...For all three of us...That's because NONE of us, Not a one...JUST stood Still! Until next time...

911, What's Your Emergency?

I DREAD Tuesdays! And, at the same time I LOVE them. There's this love/hate, push and pull I have with that day. The reason being is that Tuesdays are the day I see my Plastic Surgeon. During my surgery, they placed "expanders" in each breast. I'm sure you can guess-but just in case you can't, what they do is EXPAND/STRETCH/TORTURE the skin to enable the Plastic Surgeon to "eventually" place implants in, once you've been sufficiently "tortured." To be more specific, what the physician does is inject anywhere from 10 to 60cc's of Normal Saline in the expanders in each breast. Sounds easy, simple...right? Well, picture this...They had to take skin off my back, some muscle, and suture it to my chest, to replace the skin that Radiation had "FRIED!" And, just in case you didn't realize it...I ain't no chicken! That skin is stubborn...doesn't want to stretch. Why just the other day, my skin said to me..." Listen Tonya, I was on your back, and that's where I wanted to stay!" Can you believe it's audacity- to say something like that to me? So, I said, "Skin, just cooperate...Please!" We've had no further discussions since, but it's resolve remains the same...

While my Doctor is injecting the saline in, he's constantly asking me, "Does it feel tight?" I never understood why he was so insistent, until I let him inject a "little" more saline than he should have. I felt a little discomfort, no big deal! Now, by the time I made it home...I was in full Cardiac Arrest! Just imagine...You know how you filled  balloons with water when you were a kid? Come on...this was the 70's! There was NO Cable, NO Video Games, NO Internet. You follow me? Think about how heavy that balloon became, everytime you added more water to it....Now take that same balloon- filled to capacity, with water, and place-no shove that inside your chest! Get the picture? Like I said...Full Cardiac Arrest! I just thought, the "quicker" they expand-the sooner I would have implants....You have to remember,(It's imperative that you keep up!) before surgery I was dealing with that one breast "staring" at me-and I it, in a Showdown for the ages...Yeah...I just didn't want you to forget my point of reference! So, I'm just ready for this to be over...But, as with everything else, since my diagnosis-It's been a process...How, I'm learning to "hate" that word! And, with that process, I MUST have PATIENCE! It's been said, or maybe I've heard... "Patience is a Virtue." Please pray for my becoming virtuous! Otherwise, can you imagine the expression on the face of the Dispatcher When I call 911, and she asks, "What's Your Emergency?" And, I tell her, "My breasts are about to exp---e"! Until next time...

No Hard Hats Allowed...

You know last month, I had to have my yearly "Gyne" follow-up. Ladies, you know that's something we DREAD doing evey year. But, once you've had Cancer, EVERY Doctor's visit takes on a life of it's own! Since my regular Gynecologist had moved out of state, this was my first visit with my new Doctor. And, of course, because of my "history" this new Doctor wasn't going to leave ANY stone unturned! EVERY Doctor's visit is so "nerve wrecking" because once you've been diagnosed with the unimaginable...You think to yourself, "Okay...Now what"? But, on this trip, I was able to find a little humor in the situation. Of course, she asked me about STD's, How many sexual partners I had, and when I began my period. Then she asked me a question I wasn't prepared for-she asked, "When was the last time you had sex?" And, I looked at her, then thought for a minute...This is 2011, I was diagnosed in 2009-so if memory serves me...January 2009! She seemed surprised-she said, "Really"? I said,"YES!" Then she went on to tell me, "Well, you know it's okay now." I looked at her, looked down at my post surgical breasts, or what would one day become my breasts, and said..."Okay for you-still a NO, NO, for me...!"

Looking at my body, I really understand why the word "construction" is embedded in the spelling of the word. That's what my body feels like....It's "UNDER CONSTRUCTION". I should be used to it by now. Since my diagnosis, I've had a Lumpectomy ( removel of the cancerous region in my breast), in hopes of "saving it". Now, when that was unsuccessful, because the cancer had metastasized (which in cancer terminology means RAPID growth!), I had to have a mastectomy (which here we go again, with this "new" cancer language I had to learn!) which means a complete, and utter removal of one of my "girlfriends"! A moment of silence please, for my left breast, 36 B Cup...Exit- Stage right.....Then a year later, on a ROUTINE follow-up, my Breast Surgeon "found" something....My initial reaction..."Again"?...The rest of my language was TOO vulgar to repeat!" I've ALREADY worked out forgiveness with the Lord about it, thank you!" Then I had to have a Biopsy-you have to wait a WEEK for the results (@#$%^&*!)...Now her comes the good part....NO CANCER! I had two of my,"sisters in pink" with me for support, and we celebrated like it was 1999! Chile, we had "church", and just plain "danced" for joy ! My Surgeon, who is all of 5 ft.even joined in! To see us all in celebratory mode.....Quite a memory! So, is it ANY wonder after the roller coaster ride I've been on the last few years, why I would choose to remove the remaining breast, "scrap" it all....And, start anew with Reconstruction? No Hard Hats allowed with this type of "construction"....But, I do hear a faint sound of drills in the distance....Until next time...

On the Road Again...

As of November 2011, I'm 2 years "Cancer Free"! I always had some confusion as to what date do you use to mark the yearly celebration of your "Cancer Free" status. I thought, that since I had my mastectomy in January of 2010, and received my first "clean" Pathology Report ( That's cancer terminology, for your Report Card!) that had the words printed EVERY Breast Cancer Diva can't wait to read..."No remaining Carcinoma!" that, that was the date to Celebrate! But, I've since learned (From a good source at the American Cancer Society) that your "Official" Birthday is considered from the date of your Initial Diagnosis...With that information out of the way- It's been 2 years, and counting....I'm holding my breath, because UNTIL it's been 5 years without a reoccurance...You are NOT considered cured! But, when I made the 2 year mark...I did just like Whitney Houston's character Savannah-I closed my eyes and...Exhaled! Just a little....

When I was initially confronted with my Breast Cancer diagnosis, I chose to just have my Surgeon remove the one breast that contained cancer. I naively thought that one breast was better than none (how littlle I knew!) But, looking at that one breast, and that one breast looking back at me-affected my mood, my demeanor, my outlook for that day- in ways you can't begin to imagine. On the occassion of those days, I rose to the challenge of being my "Better Self" (Which were few, and FAR between,let me tell you!) The sight of that, the new "me", made me feel invincible! I had conquered Breast Cancer! That was my STORY and I was sticking to it! But, on most days, if I'm going to be honest with you- the sight of that one breast, caused the tears to flow, and flow, and FLOW....I was grateful, I was healed. I could look back over my life, how does that song go? "I could truly say...I have a testimony!...But, I still felt disfigured. I always thought I could handle whatever came my way. I come from a line of STRONG women, who had overcome so many things...I knew in my mind, that a women isn't TRULY defined by what she looks like, but what's within...But, my eyes saw otherwise...So, who was I kidding? Surely, not myself! That one breast was a constant reminder that I had Breast Cancer! You may find it hard to believe, but even NOW  it STILL opens the floodgates...When I say out loud...I...HAD...BREAST...CANCER! With the tears I've shed...I should be a paid Spokeperson for Kleenex...If anyone knows an Agent...So, after going back, and forth about Reconstruction (It takes 3 surgeries!) I thought, "Who in their right mind would "voluntarily" subject themselves to that after ALREADY undergoing, 3 surgeries...Chemotherapy, and Radiation. But, it FINALLY came to a " boiling point".I decided for my SANITY it had to be done! So, on September 29th, 2011-I took the plunge...I had the FIRST of my three surgeries. So, Ladies... I'm on the "Road to Reconstruction." Next stop..."C" cups!

Acceptance...Really?

Well, this is where I'm at in my treatment. As I stated in my last post, I'm HER 2 positve...Yes, it's not enough to have the disease, determine the stage, with Breast Cancer they also need to know what type to help to determine a more "tailored" approach to your Chemotherapy (They all make you sick, so what the hell? ). So, the plan, in addition to my Chemotherapy Agents (Trust me....these agents are no secret-they come to destroy all in their path!) I was to receive a "Designer" drug, called Herceptin, which was tailor made for women who were HER 2 Positve. Since I've always been one to enjoy a nice designer label or two-I just knew this would be the drug for me! Well, when the Herceptin almost killed me (Yes, it stopped me from breathing normally, my respirations were EXTREMELY rapid. Which I kept from my Oncologist because I wanted to push on, and get this all over!) The new plan was to postpone this part of my treatment until I finished my 6 rounds of Chemo. Well, needless to say....I couldn't tolerate it after either. So, now I receive a monthly injection of Zolvadex-which is supposed to have the "generic" equivalents of what Herceptin contains. So, after I regained consciousness....( Because if I couldn't have the "real" thing, Herceptin, I just knew I wouldn"t remain cancer free!) I finally "accepted" the fact that the Zolvadex would have to work. I mean as Cancer patients we quickly realize that choice isn't part of the dynamics. And, if you can't tolerate one treatment of another...It's back to the drawing board...So, Zolvedex was the drug for me! But, I've come to learn... Isn't this what the disease process is all about, Acceptance? We have to "accept" the fact that we have this disease. Accept, that all the side effects are just part of the process. I even "accepted" the fact that I would lose all my hair (Can I be honest? Not really, haha! But, it sounds noble, right?) Because for everyone who knows me,I spent 4-6 hours weekly, for the last 16 years at the Salon. So, you know, I took the hair loss thing REALLY well....But, I pushed on-that's what you do! Now, when the eyelashes went (God, and I had this deal that I wouldn't lose those!) that was the last straw! But, here I go again with this "acceptance" thing...I had to "accept" the fact that I was now twin sister to Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. I've even "accepted" ...Now this is a BIG one-that I had two breasts since puberty, but now I have to put my "new breast" in a side pocket in my prosthetic bra( I learned that the top pocket bras don't camouflage the prosthesis in a tank top!) Ouch!...Now that was embarassing!. But, what has "gnawed" at me, is that after ALL I've been through-I didn't want to go back to life like I lived it before. I mean ALL I used to do was work! We're raised/ brought up to believe that, that's the single most important part of our being. Make money, so we can buy things...Make more money so we can buy "bigger" and better things... We're taught to identify ourselves (most of us)by what we "do", and not who we "are". And, with the onset of my Breast Cancer diagnosis, I took on a "new" identity...I became a "Cancer patient". And, like it or not, accept or deny the facts-that will be with us always. Need to increase your Life Insurance? You have to tell them-Cancer patient! Want to change Health Insurance Carriers (If you're lucky enough to have it,but we'll get to that later!) They're going to find out you have a pre-existing condition (Cancer patient!). When I was bald- I had to/no I chose to explain to all that asked...Breast Cancer patient! Sounds depressing? NO! It's what you "do" with that new distinction that MATTERS! Well today- I feel "empowered"! I am WOMAN watch me roar, haha! Tomorrow...Maybe not so much. This is a process-and, I wake up each and everyday with the resolution to continue what I call "forward movement". One of my favorite authors, Zora Neale Hurston, wrote in her autobiography,"Dust Tracks on the Road"..."I've been in Sorrow's Kitchen, and licked out ALL the pots"...Me too! But, what I would say to Ms. Hurston is...But, I'm STILL cooking! Hope REALLY does spring eternal...Until next time.

My Therapy...

First, let's start with Introductions. My name is Tonya Hackney/Breast Cancer Diva. And, no "Diva" doesn't mean what you think it does! When I was lying in bed during Chemotherapy "too sick" to do anything but "be sick"- I watched alot of Daytime TV. There were always numerous organizations that "touted" the word "survivor" in terms of what you became once you "won" your battle with cancer. Now for some reason the word survivor didn't resonate with me. So, I looked up the definition in Webster's Dictionary, and it says...To remain alive or existence. Now, Ladies...I don't know about you but, I didn't want to just "live" through this-I wanted to be "triumphant"! So, in between bouts of puking, diarrhea, and the like, I came up with an acronym for the word Diva. And, it goes like this...D=Destroyed, I=Intentionally, and V=Victoriously, by the A=Almighty. Now that's a word that I thought would scare the sh-- out of cancer! Now, to be fair, I still use the word survivor, because that's what most people can relate to. But, for me, just to "survive" from this is not an Option! I have to digress for a moment... For those of you who saw the word "Almighty" in my explanation of what the word "Diva" means to me...Do not despair! I don't want anyone out there to panic! I believe in the Almighty-simple as that. But, you can call Him Buddha, Jehovah, Allah, Brahma, or whatever name you have for Him. Or you may not have ANY name for Him at all. I just hope that during your journey (And, it IS a journey of a Lifetime!) that you have something or someone to calm the waters for you. My something is Jesus-But to each his own. This journey/ our journey is life altering, and for me, life affirming, so I just want you all to have an anchor. Because as you all know the waters get treacherous at times... Okay- Stats! I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (officially) in November of 2009. I found the lump in October 2009. Now me being the eternal Optimist (Please!) I called both my sisters, and told them I found a lump, not to worry-I would see the Doctor on Monday.(It was a Saturday Night). Well, needless to say, it was Breast Cancer, Stage 2-3 (The Doctor and Radiologist couldn't quite agree on this!) HER 2 Positive. My Doctor, and Breast Surgeon when informing me of my diagnosis said..."Don't worry, it's treatable". But, the end all to be all was when she said..."You have the type of Breast Cancer that most young women get". Well, being 49 when I got diagnosed-I took some small pleasure(crazy,huh?) in the fact that at least I had the type that young women get, and for a women about to turn 50, at least something about me, had "retained" it's youth...I know, even with Breast Cancer, the Eternal fight for youth still rages... So, to ALL my 'Sisters in Pink"...I started this Blog for you/us because : 1) I can't make my Monthly Support Group since I've returned to work(I needed almost a year off!), 2) I appreciate that we have a month (October) that we are recognized-But, come on, for us Breast Cancer is YEAR round, 3) Tired of explaining to friends, and family alike that although the WORST of your treatment is over (Chemo/Radiation)-Your hair is back, and you look "Marvelous"! But, inside there's still that inner "upheaval", 4) Can't find a Support Group that "fits", and finally, 5) THAT A MONTHLY SUPPORT GROUP IS GREAT-But, I can't hold all this in for a month. I need (Can I be honest with you?) weekly, daily, (come on now...),minute by minute (at times!), counting the seconds....RELEASE! So, for ALL of my Sisters in Pink, like me, this Blog is for you/us. It's a safe place, where you can express WHATEVER you are feeling without the fear of your loved ones, having you committed (That is of course, unless they read your post!) Haha! So, I am looking forward to hearing from you. There are so many "sisters" that I talk to, in various stages of treatment, and along their journey that I've met, who feel the same. You/we are not alone....So, tell me all about it....