Holding On...

I've LEARNED...

Sometimes you WIN,
Sometimes you LOSE.

Life is "Funny" like that!

We have SEASONS of GREAT prosperity,
And, SEASONS of NEED as well.

God's Plan...

Is way beyond our comprehension.

But, one thing I KNOW for sure...

When things get ROUGH,

Hold On...

A CHANGE is "definitely" coming...

How does that scripture read?

"I have been young, and now am old;
Yet, I have never seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread" Psalms 37:25

When FACED with a diagnosis of...Breast Cancer,

Holding On...

Is ALL you can do.

You have no control...Did you really ever?

Over how you feel...Lousy!
Your ability to work...Compromised!

And, the BILLS...That PILE up...

I HAD A...

"CAN'T DO A DAMN THING BOX"...

Labeled for ALL those bills...
After being off a year...

That I couldn't do a DAMN...Thing about!

An Illness...
Is Emotionally...And, Financially...

DEVASTATING!

It makes "Holding On"...

MORE...

I gave it my BEST...I REALLY did!

But, there were days...That I felt,

"I was doing FINE until I got diagnosed with"...

But, on ONE of those days...

I thought of the WOMEN who came BEFORE me...

My Great Grandmother, Kansedar,
A SHARECROPPER...
Who raised a Family of 9,
In RURAL Mississippi...Picking Cotton,
"Holding On"...To make the trip,"NORTH".

My Grandmother, Doris,
Who was a MAID..."Scrubbing" floors,
For a Family in LaGrange...
And, working at Rush...Scrubbing their floors,
FOR YEARS...
"Holding On"...Raising my Mom,
By Herself!

My Mother, Robbie,
Whose "Dreams" were "DEFERRED"...
To RAISE us...Five in all.
So, that we could ONE DAY...
Live ours..."Holding On"...
Her FAVORITE response...PRAY!
She just...KNEW...
GOD answers PRAYERS!

So, on "those" days...
Then...And...Now...
When I'm feeling...

I REMEMBER...

My Ancestry...

I WON'T break the Link...

I'm STILL..."Holding On"!...

Until Next Time...

Fear...Of The Unknown...

I have to come clean...
Just admit it!
I haven't been feeling "well"
Lately...

I don't know...

Night Shift work?
Not getting enough rest?

Who Knows?...

I FINALLY decided to go see,
My Doctor today.

My Sisters "fuss" at me...
Because I did WAIT to see if I'd...
Feel better...First!

What my Sisters don't understand...

Doctor's Visits...
Especially "unscheduled" ones..

Scare the H-E, Double L...Out of me!

Just walking through those doors...
"Conjure" up...Memories...

Breast Cancer...
Illness...
FEAR!


ALL those Emotions,
OPEN the Floodgates!

To feelings...I thought, were LONG gone!
But, I guess they never REALLY leave...
They just lie DORMANT...

WAITING...

For the opportunity to resurface!

You would think,
With MY history...

I'd RUN to see my Doctor!

But...

There's this...FEAR...

What IF something is REALLY wrong...Again?

And, as brave as I was through Treatment...
(Or at least that's what my Family thought!)

I ALWAYS felt like a "scared" child...
Wanting my "Mommy"...
I just longed to hear her voice...
Telling me it's ALL going to be just fine!

Sitting here,
In the Waiting Area...

I'm Anxious...
And, I feel like crying!
Go ahead...Say it!
Yes, just like a "girl"...
I cry...When I'm scared!

I'm...Praying...
EVERYTHING will be alright!

That's not TOO much to ask...Now is it?

It's so ironic...
I was ALWAYS healthy!

But...
Once you've heard those words...

"YOU have Breast Cancer"...

A Doctor's Appointment...
Takes on a whole NEW meaning!

I'm in the Exam Room...
In walks my Doctor...

I KNOW...
EVERYTHING...Will be just fine!

You know why?

The words of a song come to mind...

"I don't believe He brought me this far...

To leave Me!"...

I can EXHALE...

Until Next Time...

SCARS...

Webster's Dictionary says...
"A mark LEFT after tissue,
has HEALED...

We ALL have them...
Some ARE visible...
MANY are not...

I touch my back...
And, it's there.
The 'scar" that reminds me...
How FAR I've come.

I trace the length of it...
Each "groove"...
Is a reminder...
Of an "obstacle"
I've OVERCOME.

A "BATTLE"...
Hard fought-and, WON!

It's not a "large" scar...
I can even,
Wear my back out.
None would be the wiser...
God, BLESS my Plastic Surgeon!

But...
WHENEVER I "touch" it...
I think back...
"Oh, Yeah..."
That was me...
That wasn't someone else's life,
I was "witnessing".

Before my scars...

The Assistant Pastor at our Church,
Preached a Sermon...

"Scars...Are a TESTIMONY...
Of what God HAS brought you Through"...

It was always my Favorite,
Sermon of His.
God, must have been "preparing" me...
For MY scars...

Although at the time...

I was unaware...

My Scars...
Are my "testimony"
To what God HAS...
Allowed me to LIVE THROUGH...

I wear them PROUDLY...

Until Next Time...

Some Things Are BETTER Left Unsaid...

One thing I KNOW for sure,
Whenever I tell someone I HAD
Breast Cancer...
I have "learned" to "brace" myself.

What comes out of their mouths is...
"I'm SO sorry"...
That I can handle!

But, what inevitably comes next...

"I had a Mother, Sister,
Aunt, Friend, Girlfriend...
DIE from Breast Cancer".

Really?

That little "fact"...
I'd PREFER you keep,
To Yourself!

One thing Cancer patients,
LIVE with...
Is the "Possibility"...
"IT" may return.

Telling me...
You KNEW somenoe who "died"
from this disease...

Doesn't exactly help my sense of well being!

I've TRIED to UNDERSTAND...
Who the He--?

Why?

Do people tell me that?
Who says that to someone?

But, I just...Smile...
And, "get away" from them,
As fast...
As I can!

Try this on for size...
"Your name is...What?"
You know EVERYONE I knew,
With THAT name...
Died a "terrible" death...

Now,
Do YOU see, my point?
SOME things are BETTER left unsaid...

I guess people REALLY don't know,
What to say.
I just ask...
Before, you speak...

THINK.

With that in mind...
If you encounter me...
And, I tell you...
I "HAD" Breast Cancer...

PRAY for me...
ENCOURAGE me...
Say..."May the Lord's Healing Mercies...
Be FOREVER upon you".

But,

DON'T tell me...
Who you KNEW that "died",
From this disease...

I HAVE to STAY,
Positve.
To remain...
Victorious!

Over this disease.

I'm just saying...

Until Next Time...

"To Whom MUCH Is Given"...

As I watched the Evening News today,
I heard some "alarming"...
No "distressing" news!

The State Of Illinois,
Is "threatening"...SEVERE
Medicaid cuts!

They're "millions" in DEBT!

My Treatment...

PAID for by a Medicaid funded Program,
IBCCP...The Illinois Breast & Cervical Cancer
Program.

You're probably thinking...

What does this have to do with me?

I RECEIVED my Treatment...

Why am I CONCERNED?

It DOESN'T "affect" you...Anymore!

True...My Treatment...
PAID IN FULL!

But,
What about the OTHERS?

Should I just say...Nothing?
ALLOW Women...To Die?

I've worked my ENTIRE Life.
I'm a Nurse...By Profession.

But, when Breast Cancer...
Came "a calling"...

I had JUST returned to work.
Off, caring for Parents...
My Mom...I LOST to Cancer...
My Dad...He survived!

Let me Impart some INFORMATION...

This Program...Serves...
Women who are UNINSURED...
Or UNDERINSURED...

With the "proposed" Medicaid cuts...
What HAPPENS to them?

Let me REFRESH your Memory...
5 Women...5 African American Women,

DIE...Yes, DIE!...Daily...
From Breast Cancer!

Due to the inability to ACCESS Treatment,
And, the LACK of INFORMATION,
About Treatment Programs...For the UNINSURED!

Knowing this...
How can I just think...
I got MINE...

I FIRMLY Believe...
Part of the reason I was diagnosed...
The Lord KNEW...
I would not just go QUIETLY...

Once, I became AWARE...
Of the disparities that EXIST...
Between DIAGNOSIS...and, MORTALITY,
For African American Women.

It's HEARTBREAKING...

The Legislators in Springfield,
Making these DECISIONS...
HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!
Provided by OUR TAX DOLLARS!

They were ELECTED by Us...
But, I think they FORGOT...
They have to ANSWER to Us!

I ask this question...
Mr. & Mrs. Legislator...

"Just HOW do you sleep at Night?"

KNOWING Women WILL DIE?

I NEVER thought...IF...
Illnesss came to my door...

I would be UNINSURED...FRIGHTENED...
UNPREPARED...

Mr. & Mrs. Legislator...
I'm SURE you feel the same...

It is written...

"To whom MUCH is given...

MUCH (even more!) is REQUIRED"

It's not ALWAYS...

Someone else...
Illness,
Has NO REGARD..To POSITION...
Social Standing...In our Society...

I've worked my ENTIRE Life...

But, when Breast Cancer...

"Knocked" on my DOOR...

Until Next Time...

Grateful...

How does that song go?

" I am grateful for the things that
He has done"...

That's how I'm feeling...

THIS morning.

Filled with Gratitude!

" I could go on, and on,
And on...

As I open my eyes...

I am FILLED with Praise!

Thankful...Once again,

For the BLESSING of another day.

Before being Diagnosed,

I had GOOD days...

And, I had some BAD days.

To be Honest...I still do.

The difference?

I've learned to put,
My bad days...

In Perspective.

If my hair isn't falling out,
I'm not "throwing" up,
Dizzy,
Unable to swallow,
A constant "metal" taste in my mouth,
Head "pounding",
Unable to sit up,
Without assisstance.
And,
If my body doesn't feel at "war" with itself...

Then,
It's REALLY not a BAD day,
After All!

Lesson Learned:
It can ALWAYS be worst.
And, for a time it was...

This Journey...

Makes you BITTER,
Or BETTER.

Someone recently remarked...
About my Positive Attitude.

My response...

"After all I've been through...
That's the ONLY way to live"..

LIVE...

" I am grateful for the things that,
He has done"...

Until Next Time...

The BEST Is...

You hear all these...
Cliche's...

"The BEST is YET to Come"...

"Dreams DO come TRUE"...

"Today, IS the FIRST day,

Of the REST of your LIFE"...

And...
Before I was diagnosed,
With Breast Cancer.

That's what I THOUGHT they
were...

Just "campy" cliche's.

But, AFTER you SURVIVE...
A diagnosis...

Like Breast Cancer...

That MANY don't.

You HAVE to BELIEVE...

"The BEST Is YET to COME"...

For My Family...

My Daughter...

Their PRAYERS were answered.

I'm STILL here...

"Dreams DO come TRUE"...

Now...I wake,

EACH and EVERYDAY,

Feeling...

"Today IS the FIRST day,

Of the REST of MY life"!

That's what SURVIVING this diagnosis...

Has given me...HOPE!

How can you feel, ANY other way?

I LOST my Health...But, it's been RESTORED!

I LOST my Hair...It's BACK...And, BETTER!

I LOST my Breasts...But, due to the "GIFTED" Hands,

Of My Plastic Surgeon...THEY'RE BACK!

Better...Youthful..."PERKY"!

Did I mention?...BIGGER!

We LIVE this Life...EVERYDAY...

Just Existing...

Don't let it take CANCER...

To make you REALIZE...

That those aren't MERELY cliche's...

But, a WAY you SHOULD...

APPROACH LIFE!

FILLED with HOPE...

Believe...

That TODAY is the FIRST day,

Of the REST of your LIFE!

I don't know about you...

But, I've DECIDED...

To get "BUSY"...LIVING IT!

Until Next Time...

I HAD Breast Cancer...Now What?

I've been hearing the word,
"Transitioning"...
ALOT lately.

I'm even taking a Class,
Appropriately named...

Cancer Transitions.

I've gone back to work...
I've resumed most of the Activities,
I took part in...

Before Breast Cancer.

I look, smell, sound...
"Feel" good.
(You get the picture!)

Haven't I already transitioned?

A few days ago...

My answer would have been a,
Resounding...

YES!

But, recently...

AFTER an encounter,
With someone who hasn't,
Had to deal with a "Health Crisis"....

I couldn't give you the same answer...
With as MUCH...

Confidence.

Here I am...Thinking,

Girl, "You got it going on" !

Until...

The "mere" mention...
That I HAD Breast Cancer...
CHANGED the way a person "interacted" with me.
(Truth telling time!)

I saw someone I hadn't seen in years...
(Okay, it was a GUY!)

He "remarked"...
"How the years had been kind to me".
And, how "fantastic" I looked...

I couldn't disagree...
He has eyes...Doesn't he?

We spoke a few times...
Looking good, huh?

Well at the MENTION of my...
Breast Cancer...(Past tense!)

ALL bets were off!

The tone of our conversations...
CHANGED!

I thought for a minute...

I STILL look the same,

Nothing...

Had changed about me...

Oh, right!

I HAD Breast Cancer!

I gave it even MORE thought...

My response...

YES! I HAD Breast Cancer...

SO WHAT!

I've known IGNORANCE,
Because of the COLOR of my skin.

But, IGNORANCE because of my diagnosis.
(That's a NEW one for me!)

The "old folks" have a saying...

"You know where you've BEEN"...
"But, not what lies AHEAD of you"...

Cancer...Isn't "gender" specific...

Not EVEN Breast Cancer!

It can KNOCK on ANY door...

And, if it's yours...

How would YOU like to be treated?

Hmmmm......

Until Next Time...

Sir William The Conqueror...

It's the end of the day,
Darkness has descended...

Upon the Earth...
(At least in my corner of it!)

In a few hours...

I'll be heading home...

I've spent the Easter Weekend,
With my Family in Alabama.

And, like ALL "good" things,

I DON'T want it to end...

But, the reality is...

It has to...For now.

I met my nephew,

Sean William Banks...

For the very FIRST time...

He is almost 3...

My "battle" with Breast Cancer,
Kept me "kinda" busy...( You think?)

So, our "introduction" was delayed...

He is...

A "lightning" rod!

FULL of  energy...
MISCHIEF! (With a Capitol, "M"!)

Just like your "typical" 3 year old...

I KNOW...

God "spared" me...

For this "moment"...

For this time...
To be spent with...

Sir William The Conqueror!
(He DESTROYS all in his path!)
Hence the name...(smile!)

He doesn't KNOW...

Couldn't POSSIBLY understand...

What meeting him,
Has meant to me.

My cup "runneth" over...

But, I KNOW...

God KNEW...

I WOULD see this day,

And, come FACE to FACE...

With Him...(His laughter, fills my heart with JOY!)

I LOOK at him,
I SEE him,
With my Mother's eyes...

I am DRINKING him in...
For us BOTH.

She didn't...I did...
Survive Cancer...

So, I could see him...

For the FIRST time.

LOVE...
Comes in ALL shapes,
And, SIZES...

My LOVE Is...

At 3 years old,
A "bubble" blowing...
Temper tantrum "throwing"
Pizza loving...
When in "time out"...
"Frowny" face "mugging"...

PRINCE!

My Mom always told me...
SOMEDAY he'd come!

HE HAS ARRIVED...

Until Next Time...

Run This Race...

I CAN'T stop listening...
(I've given up trying!)
To Smokie Norful's CD...
"Life Changing".

It's an older one,
His second I believe...
ADD it to your collection!
(You can,"thank me", after you listen to it!)

There's this song...
"Run 'Til I Finish"...

And,
Since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer,
In November 2009...
That's JUST what I've been doing...

Run This Race...

PRAYING my voice WILL be HEARD,
So, I can HELP other sisters...
Diagnosed with this disease,

RUN THEIRS!

Or at the very LEAST navigate through,
This maze...

Life Changing...
(Smokie had it right!)

Is just what happens!
When you are diagnosed...

BUT...

After the TEARS...
After Treatment...
What are you going to do?

What's Left?

From my experience...

A BETTER ME!

You WILL be a BETTER you!

More OPEN to Life...
And, ALL it's possibilities!

If you hadn't before...

NOW is the TIME!

To LIVE!

I Remember...

While going through treatment...

I  would hear this voice...
It sounds like my Mom...
(God rest her soul!)

Telling Me...
Go...Run...

Make your Journey...MATTER!
Make this experience...COUNT!

We were taught,

TO SHARE...Whatever we had.

No matter how LITTLE...

OR,

How MUCH...

She would say,"God WILL Bless Those"
That BLESS others...

So...Helping...Sisters...

Who will take this JOURNEY...
Behind Me.
Is in my DNA...

Letting them KNOW,

You CAN beat this!

Is what I've learned.

THAT...

It ain't over...
Until the "fat lady" sings...

So, until you hear that chorus...

Run...Your Race!

The song ends with...

"I've made up my mind"...

"I don't have much time"...

"I'm going to RUN 'Til I FINISH"!

I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER!

Until Next Time...

Only In Silence...

The statistics are OVERWHELMING...
MORE women than ever,
Are DYING from Breast Cancer.
(Especially WOMEN of COLOR!)

Succumbing to this disease!

WHY?

It is written...Hosea 4:6...

"MY people PERISH for LACK, of
KNOWLEDGE"...

It's true...

Even in the year of our Lord, 2012
SO MANY...

Are STILL unaware,
Uninformed...
Downright AFRIAD!

When it comes to what they feel,
they are ENTITLED to...

When DISEASE comes a' calling...
"Knocking" on YOUR door.

And, you have NO Health Insurance...
NO WAY to pay for Treatment!

I too...Didn't KNOW...
What MY options were...

The DIFFERENCE?
I ASKED questions!

I KNEW...
With ALL the resources,
Available...In THIS country...

There was a PROGRAM...
Somewhere...
That WOULD ...
SAME...MY ...LIFE!

And, I was DETERMINED...
I didn't STOP...

DON'T YOU!

UNTIL I found it...

I wasn't just FIGHTING...
For "MY LIFE"...
I was FIGHTING...For the "Right"...

To RECEIVE Treatment...
REGARDLESS...Of my CIRCUMSTANCES...

Last time I checked (Correct me if I'm wrong!)
I'm still...A Human being...Right?

So...
If you ask me...
Go Ahead...Ask!

What, it is...
I WANT you to take away from this blog,

KNOW...

That NO MATTER how...

DARK...OR LIGHT...

Your SKIN is...

How EMPTY...Your wallet may be...

Whether or not...

You GRADUATED from Elementary School...

High School...College.

You have a RIGHT to Treatment!

ONLY...IN... SILENCE...

Does cancer win!

ONLY... IN...SILENCE...

Is your VOICE not HEARD...

ONLY... IN...SILENCE...

Is your OUTCOME certain!

SILENCE=DEATH!

SO...SCREAM!!!

(If you have to!)

That'll get SOMEONE'S...ATTENTION!

PLEASE...REMEMBER!

SILENCE isn't GOLDEN!

It's...DEADLY!

ONLY...In...Silence...
Does Cancer Win!

SPEAK UP LOUDLY...

And, Often...

LET YOUR VOICE...

BE HEARD!

For Information...
Call The Illinois Dept. Of Public Health,
Womens Health Hotline...1(888) 522-1282

Leave a Message...They DO call back!
(That's how my Treatment Journey began!)

THE ILLINOIS BREAST&CERVICAL CANCER PROGRAM
IBCCP at Mercy Hospital...1 (312) 567-2000

SAVED MY LIFE!!!
And, I DIDN'T HAVE A DIME!

Until Next Time...