Second Chances...

What I no longer have patience for, since being diagnosed...People who COMPLAIN about "man made" situations...
" Your boyfriend's a jerk?","You HATE your job?", "Your friend said "what" about you?"...

This may come as a Shock...

But, those are situations YOU can change.
Those are NOT circumstances, that are beyond your control!

When I hear them complaining- I want to say, " How about being diagnosed with Breast Cancer?"
That would actually fall into the category of circumstances that ARE beyond your control...

I know...

It took this experience to "shake up", or shall I say, radicalize my way of thinking...
So, what I want to do here is...
Take this time to HELP...
Not criticize your way of thinking...

When you are " BLESSED"...
As I have been...
And, you receive a "Second Chance"
Or what I refer to as..."My Life, Part Deux"...
A moment...A single, solitary moment,
Spent focusing on MATTERS that don't REALLY matter...

Let's just say...
Is a moment "too" many to waste!
(Time is of the "essence" here!)


LIFE...
Has become for me...( I can ONLY speak for myself!)
One "HUGE" Gift...
I've been given the chance...A Second Chance, mind you,
To LIVE a life..." FREE" of unnecessary bullshit!
Oops! I meant b.s.! (I'm attempting to be, politically "correct" here!)

Now, I hear you...
It's only natural...It's going to take a little "work" on your part,
To "break" free...


How does that saying go,"Into each Life, a little rain must fall"...TRUE!
I recognize that...
It's just NOW my umbrella doesn't "collapse" as easily...
My Journey,
Has "strengthened" it...

With "super" glue...!
( I always knew that stuff would be good for something!)

The Moral of the Story...
Don't let it take Breast Cancer, to "revitalize" your way of thinking...Your Life...

Learn from my journey...Live Life,
Ride that car..."Until the wheels fall off"!

No " hitch hikers" allowed...
Who "don't" know...What a GIFT Life TRULY is...

Until Next Time...

Getting to Happy...(Thanks, for the title, Ms.Millan!)

Since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2009, there have been a "myriad" of emotions I've had to come to terms with. The initial "shock" of it all for one. To this day, when I look at myself, it STILL seems as if all that I've been through happened to someone else. There's the Tonya, I knew BEFORE Breast Cancer...And, there's the Tonya that's remains, AFTER Breast Cancer...

While I was going "through" EVERYONE always tried to keep me encouraged. They'd say things like, " One day, this will ALL just be a memory"..." You're going to look back at this experience, and have an awesome TESTIMONY"!...Or, " This TOO shall PASS"...Just to name a few...ALL very encouraging...Pearls of Wisdom even. But, at the time I just COULDN'T internalize what they were saying....It was hard (For me, nearly impossible) to think that FAR ahead...There was so much "before" me everyday. My mind could ONLY grasp...The Next Step..." Tomorrow I have to..."

I felt SO bad, for SO long. I was depressed, and cried more during my treatment, then I had my entire 49 years! And, for me...That's saying something...Because being the emotional creature that I am-I could "cry" just watching the sunset...

I HAD to talk myself out of the bed, to get dressed-ANY task caused an internal debate to erupt. I thought on most days...WHY? Should I EVEN bother...

Then ONE DAY, it just happened...I'm sure it was more gradual than that...But, ONE DAY, I woke up...I was "HAPPY"...The worst was over...The tears had dried...I was able to look FORWARD with anticipation...How, you say? I wish I could tell you! But, ONE DAY, I woke up...It ALL seemed so CLEAR...I had gotten to "HAPPY"...And, I've been taking that route since...They were right..." This too shall pass"...Until Next Time...

I'm Just Having A "Moment"!

My level of discomfort is a little more "intense" with this week's fluid expansion. After a day or two it's "usually" better.
But this time...Two days later, I'm still miserable!
Think about it...I have over 1000 cc's of fluid up there...
In my prior life...
I was a 34 B at best!
So, that's "alot" of weight up there, for me to carry...

I have to be honest, "come clean" if you will...
I had a "moment"!

At times...
It's STILL alot for me to process.
I'm in pain because of Reconstruction,
I'm having Reconstruction because I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer...

Passengers "fasten" your seat belts...We will be experiencing a little turbulence...
Here it comes...TEARS!

My daughter heard me crying...She asked,"Mom, what's wrong?"
I wailed...Yes,"wailed"!
"Are having breasts worth all this"?
Of course, with her being in her 20's...She has "the" answer...

"Mom, you're just getting BETTER parts",
"Like the Six Million Dollar Man"...

Well, when you put it that way...

They WILL defy gravity (without me taking a "space" walk!)
Parts of me, due to age, will eventually...But, they won't!
They WILL always "greet" you,
Looking "Dead On".
They WILL always...Stand and deliver!

Like my daughter said, "I'm just being rebuilt"!

Moment...Passed!
So, "cue" the music from the Six Million Dollar Man...
Until Next Time...

The Morning After...

Wednesday morning, so you know where I was yesterday-My Plastic Surgeon. The time is drawing near- I don't know how MUCH more FLUID I can take! I raised my arm afterwards, to grab my bag-and, it felt as if I had just been TACKLED by a Linebacker from the NFL...

At the Plastic Surgeons Office, my "Pink Sister" coalition, resembles the rainbow. I have two Hispanic "sisters" (or more, it just depends!), one Polish "sister", and two to three African Americans. Naturally, we are all in DIFFERENT stages in our Reconstruction. So, while my "sisters", and I were talking....This "bystander" (female of course!) said,"Oh, my God! You're getting implants, why would  you do that?" (She was OBVIOUSLY, eavesdropping!). I looked at my sisters...Then, at the woman, and I responded, "Uh, I don't know why, but maybe it's because Breast Cancer TOOK the ones I was born with!" Her look was incredulous...

Moral to the story...When you EAVESDROP...Before you respond, LISTEN to the ENTIRE conversation, why don't you! Or, hey, just don't eavesdrop at all...

I woke up today, PRAYING that this pressure in my chest had been ALLEVIATED...Well, I think God "chalked" this prayer up to, "No, PAIN, No GAIN!" Who knew He had a sense of humor?

We were all "marveling" yesterday that one of my Hispanic "sisters" whose furthest along...Had her "nipple" Reconstruction last week. Nipples? Yes...That was the BIGGEST news of the day! When you are going through Reconstruction...There's this "obsession" with Breasts!...Whoever is "ahead" in their journey...Like a Mother Hen...

My Polish "sister" just finished Radiation, and is in preparation for her Reconstruction. I noticed she was still wearing her wig. I asked to see her hair (We ask that of each other, AFTER Chemo). Her hair HAD started growing back, but I understood  why she STILL wore her wig. I was the same way with my Head Wraps...You continue to SEE  this BALD woman looking back at you! My turning point was when my nephew, Dustin said to me, "Auntie, I PROMISE you, you have hair ALL over! So, PLEASE stop wearing those Head Wraps!" I encouraged my sister the same way...But, I added, "You are BEAUTIFUL , and so is that NEW hair"...

I LOVE going to my Plastic Surgeon (Except for the FLUID filling aspect of it!). Because I get to see my "sisters" every week...It's encouraging...We talk.We laugh.We keep each other informed...Women with different backgrounds, different experiences...Brought together by this "horrific" disease...But, SISTERS in EVERY sense of the word...Our bond, in a word-"priceless"!  Life affirming...And, I ONLY had to get Breast Cancer to JOIN this Sorority...I always wanted to be a part of something "BIG!"...Until Next Time...

Tomorrow...

I've been hearing that Gospel song, " Tomorrow" in my head lately. It made me realize...Just how BLESSED I am. God has GIVEN me "so" many tomorrow's since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2009. Eight simple letters...T O M O R R O W....That mean the WORLD to someone diagnosed with Breast Cancer...

When you are young, time means nothing...EVERYDAY is a "new" experience. You are just beginning...Remember that song "Everyone" sang for their Eighth Grade Graduation in the 70's, "You've only JUST begun to live"....That's how youth feels...

When you turn "21"...You're becoming an adult. You begin contemplating Marriage, Career, and starting a Family...There is still that eternal promise of "Tomorrow", in your thinking...Lingering in the air around you.

By the time you reach "30"...You have that Career, Family, Marriage...You've narrowed your choices. You are INTENT on having what you want...Having it "all". Life is just one "sweet" melody...Tomorrow...

Then you arrive at your "40's"...You begin thinking...How to "give" back to the community around you. Perhaps even the World. You've already chosen the Career that would give you financial security. But, you realize, the only way to be "truly" fulfilled is trying to make this World a better place...Leaving it in a better shape then you inherited...

But, you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 49 (After already "planning" what The "Big 50" is going to look like.)...Tomorrow...Tomorrow...Will ONLY come after Surgeries, Chemotherapy, and Radiation...And, even then, there are NO guarantees...

So, on THIS day...Sunday...As we are called to "Worship"...Another "Tomorrow" that the Lord has chosen to BESTOW upon me...I take this moment to "Thank God" for His Grace, His Mercy...For my "Tomorrow's"...May I USE them ALL to His Glory....Until Next Time...

CELEBRITY...

We live in a Culture, "OBSESSED" with Celebrity. At first, just Entertainment Shows...Now, it's on Mainstream News..." Is Halle "REALLY" engaged again?"..." Chris Brown did "WHAT" after the Grammy's?"...No, Giselle "DIDN'T" say that after her husband's team lost the Super Bowl!"...Watching Denzel...Walk across a Movie Screen...Well, let's just say...NO need for dessert! I have to admit...GUILTY!...Of all the forementioned Charges! In my prior Life...Before Breast Cancer...I too, enjoyed "good" Celebrity Gossip from time to time...And, it DEFINITELY wasn't for it's Intellectual Content...

During Chemotherapy, I watched alot of Daytime TV. At home during the day didn't leave me much choice. Don't get me wrong-I love the Shows with News, Cooking,...But, on this particular day, I was watching a program, and a Celebrity "scoop" was announced. What the "scoop" was is unimportant. But, in the coming days, I watched, as the "Paparazzi" followed this "Star"...For days on end...In "relentless" pursuit...Of the "truth". Or whatever makes the "best" truth...Ratings, darling...

Then I started thinking...

Here, I AM..."Fighting" for my LIFE...Enduring a treatment regime that's as "harsh" as it is beneficial. (Chemo is still the ONLY game in town!)...There was some "acting" involved...Pretending I was "ok" to Family and Friends...While inside..."Where was MY camera?"

We chronicle a "Celebrity" from "FAT" to "FIT"...And, BACK again...What about chronicling my struggle, the struggle of women with Breast Cancer...From Diagnosis to Life...Now, that's NEWS...Where's the Paparazzi now?

I have a "NEW" Group of "Celebrities" I'd like to introduce you to...Virginia...Robin...Stephanie..."Candy"...Nathalia...Texi...Pat...Adrienne...Sophia

These are my "Pink Sisters". Women who have ENDURED the "worst"...And, made it through...They came out "fighting!". Actors? YES!... Each, and EVERY one...Because during THIS journey...You HAVE to "Perform"...

Do I still enjoy a "good" Celebrity story from time to time? Sure...I'm a "sucker" for a HAPPY ending ...

But, the autograph's I seek...Are from my "sisters" who survived Breast Cancer...An, "OSCAR" worthy Performance indeed!... "I'd LIKE to "Thank" the Academy...Until Next Time...

The Way Things Were...

I remember CLEARLY the year I was diagnosed, 2009. There were SO many events in the LIFE of our Family that year. I remember "rushing" to my nephew, Dustin's Eighth Grade Graduation (He was Valedictorian!)...My sister, Nannette, graduated with her SECOND Master's Degree, from McCormick Theological Seminary. My niece, Ryann, had her FIRST Communion...

I LOVE capturing the "moment". I have picture all throughout my residence. Pictures of the days in the Life of our Family. Naturally, I have pictures of all the events I mentioned earlier. As, I look at those pictures...Me smiling...Carefree...Enjoying that FAMILY time together...My biggest concern, "What to WEAR to each event?" I look at myself in those pictures...Tonya b.b.c.(Before Breast Cancer)...I look at my breasts...NEVER knowing...What did Ricky Riccardo say to Lucy ALL the time..."Lucy, You got some explaining to do!"...(For the young...The show was..."I Love Lucy"). But, that's JUST what I want to say to my BREASTS in those photos...

We ALL look back. And, MANY of us say to ourselves..."What could I of done differently?"...Oh my God, "Did I REALLY do that?" (That's a personnal favorite of mine,haha!)..I'm just being HONEST!...Some memories make us laugh...Others, "cringe"...But, those memories make up the "fabric" of our lives...(Remember that old commercial, "Cotton" the fabric of our lives?") So, I LOOK back...To the way things were, b.b.c (before breast cancer)...My Life...Not with regret...Just reflecting...You ALL know REGRET is SO counterproductive...

And, I've decided...

ALL things are in DIVINE Order. I'm SO much BETTER than before! New, and IMPROVED...All thanks to Breast Cancer! I volunteer with Breast Cancer Organizations...I've been a Guest Blogger for LBBC.ORG-( Living Beyond Breast Cancer). They are doing GREAT things for women with this disease! Check them out! I'm even featured in their new magazine that was released last October, "Getting Connected" African Americans Living Beyond Breast Cancer". We did the Photo Shoot at Navy Pier, Grand Ballroom. I've SHARED my STORY with others for the Chicago Metropolitan Breast Cancer Task Force- To RAISE awareness and, FUNDS for the IBCCP Program. (The Medicaid funded Program that SAVED my Life!). And, to draw ATTENTION to the racial disparities that exist for Women of Color with DIAGNOSIS and SURVIVAL from this disease. So, I've been BUSY...I volunteer with Mercy, in the OIS DEPT. (Outpatient Infusion Services-Chemo Central!), when a "sister in pink" is having TROUBLE coming to terms with...I tell the nurses to call me...And, I do what I can...

I've made LIFELONG friends...My Pink Sisters...That I LOVE...SUPPORT...ENCOURAGE (and they me!). "AMAZING" Women-I NEVER would have met, unless I had this disease...

NOW, don't think, this is my own personnal TRIBUTE to myself, and the things I've done...I say this to you ALL, so you will KNOW...For a girl whose biggest CONCERN was- "What should I wear?". BREAST CANCER put things in PERSPECTIVE...Gave my Life a TRUE purpose...Meaning...

What did I say about DIVINE ORDER?"...( Although that clothes thing...) Until Next Time...

LOVE...

Today is Valentine's Day, and it's "THE" day for Love. It's funny how things change...I used to look at this day as...An "ALL" out "FRONTAL" Assault...-"BATTLEFIELD-LOVE!" How does that old song go..."Love, love, love...Makes you do foolish things!" I don't remember who sings it...But, you get the point...

Today my "passion" is no less intense. As you get older, and experience Life...You realize (or that's my hope...) what "TRUE LOVE" really is. In 1 Corinthians: 13:7..."bears ALL things (my Breast Cancer), believes ALL things (in my Healing), hopes ALL things (for my CONTINUED health), endures (I have to stop here-Seeing me suffer...) ALL things (Tara was, and still is-My WARRIOR!). Love...never FAILS...

Now, I know the "TRUE LOVE" of my Life...( not just someone I love). My daughter Tara.Who during the last 2 years since my diagnosis has shown me, "A Love Supreme"...( reference, for all you Jazz buffs!). She HAS ...wiped my tears, helped me when I couldn't help myself. Spoken  up for me when sickness had "silenced" my voice...My Mom used to always tell me, "What you put in them, will come out when you need it". I didn't REALLY know at the time what she meant. But, now...Those words are so prophetic.

We are conditioned (raised, brought up-you pick!) to believe we'll find Mr. and/or Ms. Right (whatever your preference!). I've been married (young-enough said?). I've LOVED and LOST. How does that quote go..." It's better to have loved, and lost. Then to never have loved before."- Shakespeare, right? And, I will agree with ole William...Because without those experiences, how could I ever REALLY know what REAL love is?...

My family...My friends...LOVED  me "back" to health...(Love does not seek it's own. 1 Corinthians 13:5).  I call that...Unselfish Love. My God...Wrapped me in His arms, and "KEPT" me through it all (Love endures ALL things. Still 1 Corinthians 13!)... That's...ETERNAL Love. My daughter Tara...Seed of my seed...Nourished in my womb...Loved me through ALL her fears of losing me...That's what I know as...TRUE Love!... Our love is stronger than ever...Our Bond (come on Alicia, sing it..." Unbreakable"!).

So, on THIS day of Love...I CELEBRATE...I have MORE love than you can imagine...More than I've known in my Life...

BUT, if anyone knows someone...Say, 6 ft....Professional...Well spoken...Adventurous...And, WELL read...Until next time...

Just Get Over It!

As Breast Cancer Survivors, this journey becomes a "voyage" of a lifetime...You finish your treatment, and most people who HAVEN'T been there...Think..." Wow, why hasn't she gotten OVER this?" Here I go again...Admitting my past transgressions! I have to confess, at times I felt that way too! But, AFTER being diagnosed...

When I received my diagnosis, I "approached" my treatment very analytically...I "charted" my course of treatment from beginning to end. NEVER taking into account the hidden "variables". Foolishly thinking, just as with MOST things, that my treatment would follow MY plan, MY timeline. I learned soon enough that this would be over, when it was over. So, to avoid additional frustration...I just STOPPED giving myself a date of completion. I NEVER met those dates anyway...So, I just gave it over to God!

I BELIEVED that once treatment was completed-I could "fold" this experience up, and MOVE on with my life. I have...With the "moving" on part of this. But, folks...You HAVE to realize...Our lives will "NEVER" be the same! Now, that's not to say that I will "wear" this disease like a fashion accessory-but, because I've been diagnosed with the "Big C"...EVERY pain...ANYTHING out of the ordinary with my body...Gives a Breast Cancer Survivor...Pause..."Is that damn Cancer back?"...

Just think...We have to "live" with the fact that "reccurrence" plays a MAJOR role in our lives...We alter our diets, we exercise, we do "all" that is necessary to keep the disease at Bay...But, come on...How would you feel, living under that type or pressure?..."Am I doing enough?"..."Am I eating the "right" foods?" Uncertainty is a bit--! And, "who" among us can do the "right" thing everyday? (I just had a 4pc. dark from Harold's Chicken Shack-It was bad, for me-but "oh" did it feel SO good!").
You say...Get over it?...NO! I have to STAY on it...Stay "one step" ahead of this disease. I PRAY you NEVER have to live under this cloud of uncertainty...So, (for me!) just "think"...Before you say..."Why can"t she get OVER this?"...Until next time...

Something In The DNA...

My sister Nannette, and I were at the Theatre last night, watching Denzel " in all his fineness" Washington's new movie, "Safehouse". As usual, both of us being STRONG, OPINIONATED, women (definitely our mother's children!) we began discussing Life and Death. Inevitably what we all do when you hear about someone dying...The "heartbreaking" news reached us as we left the Theatre about Whitney "SANG her ass off" Houston...

Being a Mom, as well, my FIRST thought was of her daughter. Then, I thought about her Mom, Cissy...Which naturally led me to thoughts of my own Mother, Robbie Watson Banks Cannady....Both Black women, Both Mothers, and in my Mom's case...I knew had "overcome" MANY obstacles that "Life" had thrown her way...

When I was diagnosed in November of 2009, the news was 1) Overwhelming, 2) Earth Shattering, or 3) Life Changing...YOU pick one. It was ALL three, and MORE for me! I was only 49 at the time, and my daughter would  graduate from Culinary School the following year. I had SO much ahead of me...Now this! When you speak with Breast Cancer Survivors, you usually hear them say how they "fought" this disease. My experience with Breast Cancer was "slightly" different (each, and every journey is unique!). I just KEPT putting ONE foot in front of the OTHER...

After each Surgery (what I would soon learn was the "easier" part) I felt "hopeful". The 6 week "wait" in between each, definitely took a toll on my "psyche". They thought they could save...But, I ultimately "lost" my left breast to the disease. But, I kept on going...(that one foot in front of the other)...Because there's "FAITH" in my DNA...

During Chemotherapy...I thought the treatment would "kill" me (and that's NOT an exaggeration!)...It was "harsh"..."brutal". I had "multiple" hospitalizations due to the toll it took on my body. One foot in front of the other now...I went to each treatment, knowing that each one I took, would bring me that much closer to completion...6 rounds...There's a running joke in my family...I would BEG for Chemo...When they would deny me, because my blood levels were too low. I just wanted it to be OVER! (so, you HAVE to understand my insistence!). I was "too" sick to fight...But, "Thank God" there's STRENGTH in my DNA...

Back to work during the mornings (after a year!)...Radiation in the afternoon..."Head wraps" (still bald at the time!) and initially "diminished" capacity to work like I "use" to. Bills behind (Com Ed didn't care I had Breast Cancer!)...Struggling to "stay" afloat...But, I managed. I did it!...Because there is PERSEVERANCE in my DNA...

Getting up EVERY morning. Facing LIFE on different terms...A NEW me...A NEW purpose...I asked my sister while we were talking about Whitney..."What is it about us, the women in our Family?" But, before she could answer...Something came to me. I thought about my maternal grandmother, Doris Watson, who scrubbed floors at Rush St. Lukes Hospital more than half her life...Also, working as a maid for a family in LaGrange. Who EVERYDAY gave me LOVE beyond measure. She lived with us, until God called her home...Right before my High School Graduation. My Mom, Robbie Banks, who overcame her "first" round with Cancer...When I was at the TENDER age of 13. Who gave me "EVERYTHING"...Whatever I needed...Love, Encouragement, and a stiff kick in the butt, when I needed that too!

And now I KNOW why I survived. It's as CLEAR as the nose on my face...More than anything...It's because I possess the DNA of both those women in me...Just as with them..."Giving Up" isn't in our DNA....

I LOVE YOU BOTH!...And, MISS YOU more than you can imagine...May God rest your soul Whitney...Until next time...

Things People Say...

People ALWAYS say to me..." I wouldn't have known if you didn't tell me". Which I imagine is a compliment. Others say, " You look good." I guess people REALLY don't know what to say when you tell them...Breast...Cancer! We've been taught to fear the "C" word. You get Cancer, you die right? The "funny" thing about an illness, ANYONE can get one. I ate well, exercised, NO family history. So, I just "chalked" it up to..."Shit happens"...

I'm just as "guilty" as you. I sometimes "froze" at the mention of someone I knew...Being ill. I would, and still do say a prayer. I was taught...When words are insufficient...Give it over to God. So, I don't want to make anyone feel bad. Just been on the "other" side, so I want to give you a few helpful hints...

1) You don't have to "raise" your voice when you talk to me...I have Breast Cancer-I'm not deaf. (although the older I get...)

2) When I tell you I have Breast Cancer...DON'T immediately lower your eyes to my breasts. "Does she?", "Are they real?"...Just ask...I'm more than willing to tell you. ( I'm into FULL disclosure these days...)

3) Make "excuses" for why you haven't called...While "throwing up", "bouts of diarrhea", and feeling like "shit"-I really didn't have the time to take attendence, who did or didn't call. (oddly enough it's about me-not you!)

4) Think to yourself..." Serves her right, you know a 100 years ago, she said such and such to me". ( And, I PROBABLY will again..haha...)

5) And, my personnal favorite, " Do you think you're going to die?" (I don't know...but, if God told you something he didn't tell me...)

I'm being "silly" about it, but I just want you to know...NOTHING changes when you're diagnosed-you're just "sick". I'm still the HIGHLY opinionated woman I've ALWAYS been...I STILL love a good martini, or margarita...they just don't LOVE me now! I STILL love clothes, Men 6 ft. and over, I STILL like a little juicy "gossip" from time to time...Absolutely NOTHING has changed except I see several Doctors regularly...I'm even MORE anal about what I eat...

What I want you all to know is...Treat me like you ALWAYS have...I'm STILL just Jenny from the ...No, Tonya...from Hyde Park...Until next time...

Modesty Is Overrated...

One thing Breast Cancer Survivors have in common is a lack of modesty, at least the ones who "opt" for Reconstruction. We will "flip" out those babies to show another sister, whose coming up in the ranks behind us at a moments notice... Look Girl..."This is what you should expect yours to look like in the beginning..." It's almost like a "rite of passage". You can't move on to the next phase unless you- Flash those babies! It's Mardi Gras, isn't it? Only you get NO beads, just the satisfaction that comes from doing...I just had a diva "flip" them out, to show me how WELL her implants looked after her surgery. They said, "ATTENTION" we are here to stay! We will remain standing for the duration of your existence...Nice! Even when ALL else goes South-I can depend on them to hold their position...Just like the good little soldiers they are! While at the Plastic Surgeon's Office, we're admiring our "new" found cleavage, discussing should we go "real" nipple after the implants, or just have the nipples "tatooed". It's like shopping...We couldn't before, but this time around we determine size..Nipple construction...Isn't democracy grand? Freedom of choice is a beautiful thing!

I'm THIS close to having my implants placed. I can visualize them when I'm dressing...ME + IMPLANTS= A trip (years in the making!) to Victoria Secret. I feel like a kid at Christmas...Although what I WANT from Santa has lots, and LOTS of lace...I remember my first visit to the Plastic Surgeon...Of course, I was apprehensive (3 surgeries for this-Really?). I came with another "sister" who had decided like me, to just "Do It!" We were talking, and a young "sister" behind us, interrupted us and said, "Didn't mean to listen to your conversation, but don't worry, he's great-I'm VERY happy with mine, wanna see?" Like I said...We just have NO shame! But, why should we? Considering what it takes to get "the girls"...Modesty is pointless. We've had SO many hands on them by the time they're completed-Well, let's just say...Porn stars have been touched less! But, in the end...I will be a work of art. And, like all good works of art...Priceless!...Until next time...

Phenomenal Woman

Since my Breast Cancer diagnosis, I've met some PHENOMENAL Women. Mere Mortals-Who upon receiving their diagnosis, "don" their pink cape with the initials "P. W." emblazon on it. Women who would otherwise be content, sitting at the Salon on Saturdays (catching up with WHO did WHAT to WHOM!). Now must concern themselves with WHAT we have to do to "fight" this disease...

Diva's who pampered their tresses weekly at the Salon...Hair no mo'! But what does that Phenomenal Woman do, you ask ?..."don" a wig...Learn 101 ways to style a head wrap (my personnal favorite!)...Or just "rock" your new bald do! What she doesn't do is...Spend more time than necessary, (you have to give it a proper burial!) pondering your loss. I had a friend, ask me...Tonya, what are you going to do about your hair? I tried to help her understand, losing my hair was the LEAST of my concerns!

Faced with the prospect of being unable to work during treatment, and the subsequent loss of income. What does that Phenomenal Woman do? Go, and teach her class of sixth graders, when she should be home in bed...Manage whatever "monies" at her disposal like a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company...Being mindful of the bottom line. Or sharing whatever she has, with another "sister in pink". What she doesn't do is languish in the "what ifs".

During times of doubt...When even the best of us falter...( This IS alot to process!). What does that Phenomenal Woman do? Find a scripture to ease ANY lingering doubt..." Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. ( That kept me in the MIDST of it all!)

When the ONLY thing between you, and despair IS God. What does that Phenomenal Woman do? Reach a "deeper" understanding of HOW God IS able. Knowing that when His word says..." The Lord is the strength of MY life". Psalm 27:1 You BETTER believe it!

When she needs someone to "understand" what she's going through. What does that Phenomenal Woman do? Reach out to other "Sisters in Pink" she's met at Support Groups, Seminars, and Photo Shoots. Today's Blog is dedicated to all my "sisters" I've met during my journey. You know who you are...I want to say, "Thank You" for being a shoulder to lean on...Praying with me that the new biopsy results were...Cancer Free...For the rides while my car has been "On Strike"...For sharing a movie, A Birthday Celebration, An ear....But, most importantly...THANKS...For "saving" me! Once I met someone who was traveling in my shoes...It made my burden "lighter". That's just what Phenomenal Women do! Until next time...

I'm ONE of the 99%...Part 2

Because of my sister Stephanie's "diligence" on the Web, once I told her about the lump I found that Saturday evening...( I didn't know at the time, but help was on the way!). She later informed me that she "Googled" the phrase..."FREE BREAST CANCER SCREENINGS". It happened to be October (Breast Cancer Month), so she had a "list" to work with! She admitted to me, MUCH later, that she just KNEW it was Breast Cancer when I told her. My sister gave me an 800 number to IDPH (Illinois Dept. of Public Health), I left a message (I tried to remain calm!), and Mercy Hospital returned the call, and gave me an appointment with the IBCCP Office, at the Hospital . I didn't know...How could I?...That those initials...That Program....Would be INSTRUMENTAL in saving my life! Getting me "access" to the care I so desperately needed....

On the day of my appointment, after speaking with the Intake Nurse...I was directed up to the 12th Floor Breast Center to receive my FREE Mammogram. Afterwards, I was scheduled for a Biopsy. I saw a Gynecologist that day for my Pap Smear...ALL covered by the IBCCP Program! It was "too much" for my mind to accept.. I was "overwhelmed" by the mere fact, that a Program like this was in place, for women just like me. I just "knew" there HAD to be a "catch". But, there wasn't! My Lumpectomy, Mastectomy, Chemotherapy, and Radiation....ALL covered by Medicaid thru the IBCCP Program! I'm SO grateful for that Program... Yet,"Grateful" doesn't begin to describe the magnitude of what I feel. I even met the Head of the Illinois Department of Public Health-Dr. Damien Arnold, who informed me he put together the Program while he was at Mercy Hospital. I told him that he can now put a FACE, instead of just statistics to the COUNTLESS lives, that Program has saved! I still get my monthly injections, and my medications through the Program. President Obama's Health Care Initiative for adults with pre-existing conditions is still 4 years away...Trust me...I received the BEST of care...I was treated just like I was paying  with PRIVATE insurance. The Director of the Breast Center, Eileen, to this day is welcoming, and supportive whenever I see her at the hospital. Robin, the Nurse Manager of OIS at Mercy, treats my "victory" as if it were her own! I received EVERYTHING I needed to beat this disease. To LIVE and THRIVE afterwards...as well! And, I had NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY to pay that "enormous" bill for Cancer treatment.To think of how much was done on my behalf...To get me to where I am today...Inspires me to give back-"Pay it forward" in the lives of other Breast Cancer patients. So, Ms. Susan G. Komen...I "applaud" you for making the "only" decision your Organization could have...I have one of your magnets...It says, "Impact...Make one"! Thus you must practice what you preach, and assist those that REMAIN in need of those FREE Mammograms...I am ONE of the 99%..There are "countless" more...Worked ALL my life...And Breast Cancer "struck" when I was the least prepared. There should be NOTHING political about this...SAVING lives is ALL that matters...Until next time...

I'm ONE of the 99%

Like all of you, my "Sisters in Pink"..I'm sure you were "outraged" By Susan G. Komen's "initial" action to STOP funding FREE mammograms for "Poor" women who come to Planned Parenthood for their Healthcare needs. I've been sharing much of myself with you, through this Blog...To make you laugh, sometimes you cry. But, the MAIN purpose is to INFORM you through my journey, my experiences with Breast Cancer. I'm probably MORE outraged then most. I am among the "Poor" that needs to utilize that model of FREE Service. I didn't use Planned Parenthood, but I did get help through the IBCCP (Illinois Breast & Cervical Cancer Program). A MEDICAID funded Program at Mercy Hospital in Chicago. For women like me, who are EITHER uninsured, or UNDER insured. Those Free Services ARE crucial to END the disparity in Breast Cancer survival  rates between the "haves" and "have nots". Here is MY story...

My Mom was diagnosed with Cancer in the summer of 2006. It became "increasingly" apparent to me that my Father had his "hands full" attempting to care for my Mother on his own. I'm a Nurse. I've been an LPN since 1987. I was working through an Agency, full time, when my Mom was diagnosed-so I decided to "cut" some days at work, to assist my Father, with my Mother's care. I eventually cut those days to none. But, what do you do? I had a GREAT Mom, who gave SO MUCH. I NEEDED to give at least a LITTLE of that back!  Part of the reason I started this Blog was because of something she said to me. Sadly, my Mom, lost her battle with Cancer, a year later, September of 2007. So, you're thinking..."Back to work for me, huh"? NO...My Father had been "hiding" a very serious illness from us at the time, we were "dealing" (attempting to!) with my Mom. A year later... He's "missing" some parts-But, he made it! So FINALLY I return to work on a full time basis. Everything is going well. Overtime galore (that's "catnip" to Nurses!). I make a verbal request to HR, to  remind her I want to be enrolled in the Company's Health Plan, after my 90 Day Probationary Period has ended. Well, the 90 days came... and gone! The HR person, "dropped" the ball...failed to get me enrolled. She said, "Sorry, I'll  process you in the NEXT Enrollment Period." I was angry, understandably, but, because I've NEVER had ANY serious health issues...I didn't make a federal case out of it. Now, you KNOW how this kind of story ends...Predictably, you know what occurred! I find a lump several months later...Diagnosis: BREAST CANCER! Believe me- You DON'T ever want to know what that felt like...NO INSURANCE and a BREAST CANCER Diagnosis....We'll FINISH this story tomorrow....

HOW "DIVA" IS GETTING HER "GROOVE" BACK...

Ladies...I woke up this morning, thinking...Chemotherapy is REALLY over...Radiation is "SO" over... My Reconstruction is going well (although my breasts are still likely to "explode" at any moment!). My hair is back (no more wraps, I didn't do wigs, personnal choice!) And, my hair is even better than before! So, like the old folks say, "It DOES get greater later". I've stop wearing my "cancer" apparel. (all I wore were sweats, and tennis shoes!) I wake up each morning...LIKING, no LOVING what I see more than I don't! So, I'm SLOOOOWLY coming to the conclusion..."Diva" IS getting her "groove" back!...

Ladies...My "Sisters in Pink"...I KNOW you are starting to feel it too! You're getting that, what did George Clinton of Parliment use to say? "That GLIDE in your stride...That DIP in your hip...Come on we're going to the Mothership..." Yes! You smile like you just won the "lottery". That confidence is RADIATING off you! Your head is held HIGH...You own it, and you know it! After ALL we've been through a little "vanity" is in order! Let's just admit, what's RIGHT there in FRONT of you..."Diva"...IS getting her "groove" back! There were sooo many nights, during Chemo, I couldn't sleep. I would get up, go to the bathroom, and stare in the mirror. I'd look at my reflection and wonder..."Who the Hell is that?" With NO eyebrows, NO eyelashes, there was NOTHING in that reflection I saw that FAINTLY reminded me of myself! I would just see this "sick" stranger looking/peering back at me...So, with ALL that behind me...I can FINALLY recognize...I'm TELLING you, Girl..."Diva" has her groove back! I'm even a little FLIRTATIOUS now (Although, what's that old saying...I ain't gonna' bust a grape!). It just feels GOOD to do it! "Wonderful"...that's how to describe it. Just FEELS "amazing"to be a "healthy" woman again...There was a time, Ladies...You understand...I'm preaching to the choir! That I NEVER thought I would feel this way again. In the "midst" of all that...I just didn"t know! But, now...Back in my HIGH heels (at least 4 in. if you please!). I'm even indulging in the "frivolous" again...Shoes, bags, jewelry...I LOVE being a girl! It just feels soooo GREAT...To feel SO alive again! For ALL my "Breast Cancer" Diva's...Who are on the precipice...Who believe that mountain is too high to climb...Fear not! You will "soon" be getting your "groove" back! He did it for me...He'll do the same thing for you...Trust me, I know...Because this "Diva" has definitely got her groove back!...Until next time...

"WIN BIG"...

My sister Stephanie (who I love dearly!) has been in a "frenzy" over a game being played at our local Supermarket. Jewel Food Stores has this game she's been playing called, "Win Big". My sister has probably visited EVERY Jewel Supermarket in Chicago, and it's outlying suburbs at least...Twice (that's ALL she's admitting to!). The object of the game is to "collect" the stamps for each prize listed. Each prize requires a different stamp, and/or amount of stamps needed to win that particular prize. You collect all the stamps needed to claim the $250,000.00 cash prize they're awarding...And, you guessed it! You "Win Big"! I can't "throw" my sister "under the bus" without first acknowledging my own "dirty" little secret...I play too! But, I limit my visits to the 3 to 4 Jewel Food Stores that are in my IMMEDIATE area! I spoke to my sister this morning, and sadly, the game ends today, February 1st. And, I will tell you what she said to me in her own words, "T, I didn't win sh--!" Which made me laugh...Then it made me think...

As a Cancer patient, every morning I wake up...I "WIN BIG!" During treatment, it didn't matter how sick I was-As I woke, if what I observed  were all the familiar surroundings in my room...I didn't hear a "Heavenly" chorus in the background...The angel Gabrielle wasn't blowing his horn...Yes, you guessed it! I "Win Big!"After EVERY milestone...Surgeries...Chemotherapy...Radiation...I "Win Big." Being allowed MORE time on Earth with the people I love-"BIG"! Finally realizing what TRULY matters in life...What causes are WORTH fighting for..."BIG"! (We often say it) But, NEVER really realizing..."Everyday IS a Blessing"!...Even "BIGGER"! So, even though the game ends today.And, my sister, and I are STILL a few tickets "shy" of winning a prize...I still, "Win Big"...Because I've been given the "Biggest" gift. The "BIGGEST" prize of all..."LIFE", although that $250,000.00 dollar prize...Until next time...