Acceptance...Really?

Well, this is where I'm at in my treatment. As I stated in my last post, I'm HER 2 positve...Yes, it's not enough to have the disease, determine the stage, with Breast Cancer they also need to know what type to help to determine a more "tailored" approach to your Chemotherapy (They all make you sick, so what the hell? ). So, the plan, in addition to my Chemotherapy Agents (Trust me....these agents are no secret-they come to destroy all in their path!) I was to receive a "Designer" drug, called Herceptin, which was tailor made for women who were HER 2 Positve. Since I've always been one to enjoy a nice designer label or two-I just knew this would be the drug for me! Well, when the Herceptin almost killed me (Yes, it stopped me from breathing normally, my respirations were EXTREMELY rapid. Which I kept from my Oncologist because I wanted to push on, and get this all over!) The new plan was to postpone this part of my treatment until I finished my 6 rounds of Chemo. Well, needless to say....I couldn't tolerate it after either. So, now I receive a monthly injection of Zolvadex-which is supposed to have the "generic" equivalents of what Herceptin contains. So, after I regained consciousness....( Because if I couldn't have the "real" thing, Herceptin, I just knew I wouldn"t remain cancer free!) I finally "accepted" the fact that the Zolvadex would have to work. I mean as Cancer patients we quickly realize that choice isn't part of the dynamics. And, if you can't tolerate one treatment of another...It's back to the drawing board...So, Zolvedex was the drug for me! But, I've come to learn... Isn't this what the disease process is all about, Acceptance? We have to "accept" the fact that we have this disease. Accept, that all the side effects are just part of the process. I even "accepted" the fact that I would lose all my hair (Can I be honest? Not really, haha! But, it sounds noble, right?) Because for everyone who knows me,I spent 4-6 hours weekly, for the last 16 years at the Salon. So, you know, I took the hair loss thing REALLY well....But, I pushed on-that's what you do! Now, when the eyelashes went (God, and I had this deal that I wouldn't lose those!) that was the last straw! But, here I go again with this "acceptance" thing...I had to "accept" the fact that I was now twin sister to Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. I've even "accepted" ...Now this is a BIG one-that I had two breasts since puberty, but now I have to put my "new breast" in a side pocket in my prosthetic bra( I learned that the top pocket bras don't camouflage the prosthesis in a tank top!) Ouch!...Now that was embarassing!. But, what has "gnawed" at me, is that after ALL I've been through-I didn't want to go back to life like I lived it before. I mean ALL I used to do was work! We're raised/ brought up to believe that, that's the single most important part of our being. Make money, so we can buy things...Make more money so we can buy "bigger" and better things... We're taught to identify ourselves (most of us)by what we "do", and not who we "are". And, with the onset of my Breast Cancer diagnosis, I took on a "new" identity...I became a "Cancer patient". And, like it or not, accept or deny the facts-that will be with us always. Need to increase your Life Insurance? You have to tell them-Cancer patient! Want to change Health Insurance Carriers (If you're lucky enough to have it,but we'll get to that later!) They're going to find out you have a pre-existing condition (Cancer patient!). When I was bald- I had to/no I chose to explain to all that asked...Breast Cancer patient! Sounds depressing? NO! It's what you "do" with that new distinction that MATTERS! Well today- I feel "empowered"! I am WOMAN watch me roar, haha! Tomorrow...Maybe not so much. This is a process-and, I wake up each and everyday with the resolution to continue what I call "forward movement". One of my favorite authors, Zora Neale Hurston, wrote in her autobiography,"Dust Tracks on the Road"..."I've been in Sorrow's Kitchen, and licked out ALL the pots"...Me too! But, what I would say to Ms. Hurston is...But, I'm STILL cooking! Hope REALLY does spring eternal...Until next time.